My favorite things:

My favorite name for a yoga instructor is probably Yoga Matt.

Cheetos are my favorite snack named after why my mom left my dad.

Mexico is probably the country with my favorite hat dance.

The bacon, egg and sausage biscuit is my favorite sandwich requiring the sacrifice of 3 animals.

My least favorite spice girl is most definitely Sean Spice.

My favorite time to rub a pregnant woman's belly is a few days after the baby's been born.

My favorite drinking game is when you try not to do it every day of your life.

My favorite contact sport would be embracing my grandmother. Touchdown.

My favorite gift to bring psychics is a snake in a can.

The electric slide is probably my favorite playground death penalty.

My favorite birthday gift to give kids is their birth certificate. You're alive, and you're welcome.

My favorite ninja turtle is Paul Giamatti.

I could live without:

I hate when everyone at Starbucks is on their iPads and you have to pretend you're watching movies on your clipboard.

I hate when you go the whole day without noticing you had both arms in the same sleeve.

I don't appreciate when people say the parachute "failed" when maybe it just needs a second chance.

I don't like when you cheer on two men arm-wrestling, then realize they just love holding hands.

I hate waking up in hot air balloons.

I hate waking up to a rooster, especially when it's trapped under my covers.

I don't hate Viagra, but I don't take it for sex either. I take it because I hate wearing belts.

I hate when you have no clean shirts and have to wear your halloween costume in February.

I hate when bros give you a fist bump right when you're leaning in for a cheek kiss.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.