Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Those poor chickens with boneless wings.
1. Have a child
2. Never mention it on facebook
3. Dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I tried to lie during the polygraph, but then they attached the receptors to my hips.
Suspenders are just seatbelts for walking.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond?
Christmas sweater?
Haha no, I sweat all year round.
I hadn't cried all weekend and then password security asked if I remembered my first pet.
Iron is my maiden name.
Fool me once,
shame on you.
Shit my pants,
shame on me.
Sneak a weird job on your resume just to see if they're even reading it.
1991-92: Cat farmer. Shanghai, China.
Better to have been held at gunpoint than to never have been held at all.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
1. tie a maraca to your dog's tail
2. tell him he's a good boy
3. close your eyes and dance the night away
Dunkin Donuts are way more gangsta than Three Point Shooting Donuts.
On your first day in prison walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
It's 2018 why do babies still have cords
Why wasn't the prequel to Silence of the Lambs called OMG STFU LAMBS
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn't have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I have to agree, sombreros are better than nobreros.
I'm so hungry I could instagram a horse.
It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face.
You might see punching bags are even better hugging bags if you'd just calm down for a second.
Kanye work verwy hawd
Kanye get a widdle sweepy
Kanye wub his eyes
Kanye west
Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
Hey autocorrect, how about you stop worrying about my typing and start worrying about my driving.
How do we know dogs are chasing their tails and not running from their heads?
Don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
